these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We have started to decorate penises.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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