I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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