Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
