Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
