I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
