I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
