dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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