guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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