did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
