Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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