I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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