1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
