I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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