Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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