There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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