i wish starbucks made bloody marys
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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