Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
