I wanna bring you to show and tell
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
