Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
