The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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