I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
