turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
