my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
