dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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