when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
