i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
