Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
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