This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
