the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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