so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
