last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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