those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
