____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize