im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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