My vagina just recognized that song.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
