why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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