Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
