And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
