Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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