it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
