Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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