you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
