I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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