tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
