Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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