Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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