I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
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