I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Welp...herpes.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
