Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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