I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
