Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
