He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
