We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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