...so i touched it.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
