Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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