If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
